References, yay or nay?

Tiger: Goooood evening Monkey!
Monkey: Hey old pal! What's cooking?
Tiger: Something struck me a couple of weekends ago, during a most delightful evening.
Monkey: Lightning or a revelation?
Tiger: The latter...
Monkey: Oh, how surprising. I wish you'd be less predictable every once in a while.
Tiger: Less predictable or dead?
Monkey: Ah, perhaps that was a bad example...
Tiger: Yes.
Monkey: Oh...
Tiger: So, I was enjoying a beer or two, and had to visit the facilities, so to speak.
I did my duty and was on my way to return to my seat when I suddenly got a peak at god's most inner thoughts and contemplations.
Why is it really that we never seem to be quite satisfied with what we have anymore? I remembered when I was a little tiger and could play with the same pieces of LEGO for days and weeks without ever thinking that there could be more to life than those little bits of plastic heaven.
I was blissfully ignorant, so to speak.
Monkey: LEGO is the devil, I heard Hitler played with it too. He used to blow his LEGO up with firecrackers when he wasn't busy building scale models of what would later be named concentration camps.
Tiger: Everyone has played with LEGO, and you're full of shit...
Monkey: I will have you know I never played with LEGO...
Tiger: Exactly
Monkey: Well, you smell bad.
Tiger: So, we've all been blissfully ignorant once, some stay that way too.
As blissfully ignorant, we don't really have any idea of what we "should" think about stuff and stuff. Everything is great until something bad happens.
The first warning signs with LEGO show up when you sneak around in the dark and one of those friggin things cuts your feet up something fierce.
That's the first moment in your life that you start doubting those pieces of endless joy.
Monkey: I had one stuck up my nose for three days.
Tiger: How did that happen?
Monkey: You put it there.
Tiger: Ah, the memories...
Monkey: That's why I tumble dried all your Barbie clothes.
Tiger: I never had any Barbie dolls.
Monkey: Exactly...
Tiger: Uhm, well... So when that first doubt has set roots in your mind the rest just comes like a spring flood.
The older you get, the more stuff says "no no no" in your head.
If I didn't have any references I would perhaps be happily married by now to whoever had come along since then and now.
But since that's not gonna happen, all I can do is roll with it until the list of no-no's is so full that it just becomes silly.
Then I'll be free again. Free to redo all the stuff that has been put on hold.
Or I could just not give a fuck and just do it now. But that's not really like the person who I made myself into.
I'm a picky fucker, I love control and I don't like a lot of stuff.
Monkey: Beer, you like beer?
Tiger: Beer is god and we are his mere servants. Put on earth to do his duty and make more beer and drink beer.
Monkey: Is god good?
Tiger: Not as good as the goddesses who walk among us disguised as ladies, the true rulers of men. I would gladly add more no-no's to my list just to keep them warm on a cold night.
I am but a tiger after all.

Focus my heart, it's a struggle

Tiger: I thought I'd just share something with you all tonight.
Instead of the usual conversation I'd like to give you a text or a piece of poetry.
This one is something I just wrote for myself. If you ever feel a bit confused it's a good idea to put your thoughts in writing so you can go over them again and again until you understand yourself. This is my issue at the moment, I can't seem to give my dear old heart a bit of rest.

Little heart, little heart!
What have you done?
You've been running in circles for far too long.

Little heart, little heart!
What have you become?
You've been living and loving but all went wrong.

Little heart, little heart!
Why were you so dumb?
You've been trying too hard just to belong.

Little heart, little heart!
When did you go numb?
You were once so vibrant, you were once strong.

Little heart, little heart!
What will you do?
You must focus again, start singing your song.

Tiger: And this is about the point where "The Eye of the Tiger" starts banging in the background. Rising up, back on the street...
Ha ha, you know the rest people.
Rise up!
Good night and sleep tight!

The ever changing changes

Tiger: Well, didn't expect to see you again so soon.
Monkey: Yeah, same here, compadre.
Tiger: I suppose we both felt the need to write some bull-crap again huh?
Monkey: Yep, sure seems that way...
Tiger: Shall we?
Monkey: Lead the way captain...
Tiger: So, let's talk about changes, or the concept of changes.
Monkey: Ooh, that sounds like a mouthful.
Tiger: Well, it's as filling as you make it partner, just keep them words running and we'll be home safe.
Monkey: Hah, easy.
Tiger: So the basic concept of change is that it is a reaction to elements in the surroundings of the subject. A reaction that can take two paths of action and one path which is just no action at all. Since no action is no change it's just plain boring to talk about, so we'll stick to the action part.
Monkey: All those big words are making my head hurt, speak my language stripey...
Tiger: Ok, if stuff happens we do stuff about it, either positive stuff or negative stuff, ok?
Monkey: Aah, this I can totally connect with.
Tiger: So what decides what way you react?
Monkey: Wait! Wait, I know this one!
Uhm... How many beers you had?
Tiger: Not a bad answer, but what if you're completely sober then?
Monkey: Well, ehm...
Tiger: Experience.
Monkey: Oh...
Tiger: Stuff that happened before that we still remember and maybe learned from.
Monkey: Ah...
Tiger: It's like if a person tells you that your sweater is ugly, you might not listen and think they're totally stupid. But if six people say it, then you might start thinking about putting on another one next time.
Monkey: Well, I'd totally go bare instead then. You've seen my buff body.
Tiger: Eh, yes, buff...
Monkey: Hit me! Right here in the chest! Witness my manly power!
Tiger: So, let's move on shall we?
Monkey: Sissy...
Tiger: Some people can change and turn bad over night, like spaghetti in the fridge. They get all stiff and dry. Others can blossom, like a butterfly.
Monkey: You ARE a sissy... Ooh, look at me, I'm a pretty little butterfly, wee waa woo...
Tiger: Sit down before you get slapped boy...
Monkey: Sorry, your sissyness overwhelmed me for a moment there.
Tiger: Something I've also noticed is that positive change usually comes from our own initiative, negative from pressure or sudden substantial events that affect us. I think that we can all make our own decisions and stick with them. It's just our stubborn nature to do so.
Monkey: Unless we're a mongoloid albino gorilla that eat bananas through a straw and can't even remember to go poo poo...
Tiger: Thank you, I was just getting to that.
Monkey: No problemo el commandante...
Tiger: Right, so my point here was... What the hell was my point again?
Monkey: I don't know, I just hang around to make sure you make a fool of yourself.
Tiger: Right, that does it, I say whatever I want to say because I have some measure of self respect and I can back up any of my statements till the day I perish and the sky comes crashing down if I have to. I'll listen when you've got something constructive to tell me, monkey brains...
Monkey: Ha ha, you can say thanks later... I just pulled your point out of you.
Tiger: Aah, you sweet little thing you... Exactly...
Always stand your ground unless you know you're wrong.
Then get on your knees and admit you've got no idea what to do.
Monkey: That's honesty and righteousness for you right there baby...
Tiger: Bam!

Mondays are always a heartache

Tiger: Good evening Monkey!
Monkey: Hello my dear friend!
Tiger: How are you doing this fine night?
Monkey: Well, I'm just happy I got through the day.
I friggin dislike mondays...
Tiger: Ah, sounds like you got a hit of the old monday blues...
Monkey: Very much so. Weekends just swoosh by and everything slows down as soon as monday comes around.
Tiger: But how was the weekend then?
Monkey: Ooh, it was magical...
Tiger: Oh, how come?
Monkey: All good things in life. Friends, love and beer...
Tiger: Care to go a bit further into detail perhaps mystery monkey?
Monkey: Hey, get off my back already, I'm savoring the moment...
Tiger: Sorry, I'm just curious my furry friend.
Monkey: Ah, what a fine weekend in deed...
Tiger: Damn you! Tell me now!
Monkey: Alright, alright, I'm just teasing.
Tiger: You almost scared my stripes off for a moment there buddy...
Monkey: Always with the analogies huh? Mr fancy stripes...
Tiger: Well, I'm a tiger, I roll with it...
Monkey: Anyways, here it goes...
Tiger: Go!
Monkey: So this friday I met this wonderful lady. I listened to her stories over a fine dinner and some fine wine. It was all just lovely, like one of those fancy books with nice hardcovers. Man, that lady had some overwhelming stories to tell, but it all just went straight to the heart of this old monkey. Like a banana, layer after layer was peeled off, until the juicy fruit was just sitting there, staring straight at me, smiling...
Tiger: Man, that's a kick ass analogy...
Monkey: It was just all so beautiful and honest.
Tiger: So why the monday blues?
Monkey: Well, I miss all that. Nothing special happened today, just ordinary life and all. It's quite okay and fun and all, but not special in any particular way.
Tiger: I see...
Monkey: But it's nice to have some friends to bring some magic back into my life. Like you my dear tiger.
Tiger: Thank you, that's a sweet thing to say.
Monkey: I just hope I can get another injection
of that specialness soon.
Tiger: Amen brother. I could use some juicy fruit too.
Monkey: Damn you monday! You're always a heartache!
Tiger: Think it'll listen?
Monkey: No, but at least it'll know where I stand...
Tiger: True...
Monkey: So, sleepy dreamy time?
Tiger: Uh huh, race you to the bathroom!
Monkey: Not fair! You were sitting on my lap!
Tiger: First one gets to use the toothbrush first!
Monkey: Aaahh, damn it, I get your stinky breath in my mouth again...
Tiger: This is why I'm a tiger and you're just a slow little monkeeyyyy!!
Monkey: Last time ever that I let you sit on me you striped disaster...
Tiger: Until next time everyone!
Monkey: Yeah, just sleep through next monday, trust me, it's what's best for all of us. Good night!

(dedicated to a juicy lady)

Ugly things, a love affair.

Tiger: Hey Monkey, I love your ugly smile!
Monkey: Thanks baby, I think...
Tiger: Let me explain myself. I really love it.
Like all things close to my heart, it's dear to me.
Monkey: Go on...
Tiger: Once you get past that unattractive surface it's really quite simple.
I think Hannibal Lecter said it best, "What do we desire? Things we see every day".
Monkey: Is this your way of saying you're fed up with me?
All those years of friendship... You're willing to throw it all away because my smile looks like the grill of a Cadillac El'dorado?
Tiger: No, you cute little stupid ape... I said I love it and I mean it.
Monkey: I'm not hearing an "I'm sorry"...
Tiger: Would you stop interrupting me and let me explain already?
Monkey: Whatever...
Tiger: Now, now, turn that frown upside down.
I don't think that love that's only skin deep is ever worth the time that's been wasted on it. Sure, we can all be seduced by that lingering presence of a very attractive woman, very much so. But at some point that just fades away like toilet paper that's been in the water for too long, and all that's left is that awful smell just before you flush... That's when we wish she at least had a really ugly smile.
Monkey: Wow, I had no idea you were so full of crap...
Tiger: Ha ha, I like you. I'm just trying to paint a strong picture so it'll seep into that thick brain of yours. Which I totally love by the way...
Monkey: It's all thanks to beer and toilet paper.
Not that much crap though...
Tiger: I see.
Monkey: Yes.
Tiger: No matter how ugly something is, we will start loving it the second we connect it to ourselves. We all feel a bit of pride looking at the pile of crap we disposed of during the moment before we flush it down the drain, never to see it again. It's who we are, it represents us, it carries our love out into the world.
Monkey: Word...
Tiger: With this my friends, I bid you all goodnight. Until next time, love your crap, it came from your loins...

Tigerstripes & Fever

Tiger: I totally wanted to write something, but my brain is full of snot and gooey stuff.
So it's not gonna happen folks... Check back in a couple of days for the next topic...
Monkey: Yeah, serves you right for leaving tigerstripes in my underwear you damn dirty wannabe-ape!
Tiger: Touché...

Karma, the way of the Tiger

Tiger: Monkey, have you ever heard of the first law of thermal dynamics?
Monkey: Well, that depends on what you mean. I'd say it's very interesting how it opened up the trade routes to China at the dawn of the civilized world.
Tiger: What the hell are you talking about?
Monkey: You asked a stupid question, of course I haven't heard of it. I'm a friggin monkey, I eat bananas and drink beer.
Tiger: Sorry, how inconsiderate of me.
Monkey: It's ok.
Tiger: Thanks pal.
Anyway. The first law of thermal dynamics tells us that for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Then some gold-digger called Buddha picked it up and founded a religion around it. Kind of like all religions are formed, by taking something universal and translating it to people who don't read the books. Like James Bond.
Monkey: Are you comparing the great philosopher to a super-horny english guy with a gun and a gay smile?
Tiger: Fuck yeah (cute and cuddly censoring gets annoying after a while).
Monkey: I'm sure that would be blasphemy if buddhists were actually interested in hearing what you have to say. But please, do go on. Can't wait to hear your views on this.
Tiger: Ahhh, I love the smell of sarcasm in the evening...
So, karma tells us the same thing, that all good or bad things you do will eventually be repaid in full. So if you apply this to your life, what you should ideally have is a perfect balance. So you fuck someone's life up, someone else fucks your life up and it continues in this fashion until the end of all life. Then, it's payday, or a spring break of fuck-ups and blissful moments. Now you probably ask yourself:
Oh, whatever will I do? I can't control my actions that well. What if I step on someone's pet turtle and get to spend time in purgatory getting my intestines squashed out by a fat assed mongoloid albino gorilla.
Monkey: Hey, I take offense from that.
Tiger: Sorry buddy, I got carried away.
I can only tell you this. If we focus on the thermal dynamics part of of this theory/religion it tells us that all actions are repaid in full, but in physics that means mass which equals energy. From that perspective a pet turtle perhaps equals one of your feet. I totally prefer that aspect of physics, since it has no ethics or other mental factors applied to it.
Monkey: So if you blow up a building, you're totally fucked in other words.
Tiger: Ehh... Well, you know. This is all a theory and not really applicable to real life. Just like MacGyver.
Monkey: Hey, I don't like what you're implying. Richard Dean is God.
Tiger: True
Monkey: How about if you just shut the fuck up and let's go get a beer. It's almost weekend. What say you?
Tiger: Bring me the biggest glass you can find of that golden promise of good karma...
// Tiger & the Monkey

Alike, aren't we all?

Tiger: Last time we were discussing a worldwide phenomena, I thought we'd continue with another one. It seems to me that some coincidences are just too big of a coincidence to really be a coincidence.
Monkey: What the hell are you talking about? Is this another one of your conspiracy theories? Because the last one involving the "non-fat" fat was just a bit too greasy and wild, and totally boring...
Tiger: What a fine friend and listener you are indeed... How about this, just shut the furnituresuchasacouch up (cute and cuddly censoring, ccc) and don't interrupt me again. There will be time for questions and incoherent rambling later, friend.
Monkey: Sure, go ahead, prove me right.
Tiger: Right, I'll make you eat those evil and stinky words of yours.
Anyway, so why is it that we think we're all so damn special anyways? Because our moms told us so? Heeeell no, it's because we can't see the grand scheme of things for what it really is. Now, how many times didn't you think that you were the only person in the world who had a particular problem/sexual disposition/preference of partners/love of smelly green berries/anything?
Hell, I bet some people even think they are the only ones with that favorite unique color.
I can prove this mathematically.
Now, as long as you keep to the solids, and not like "poo-when-one-ate-a-mix-of-tar-scottish-pine-and-tuna color, I think I can pretty safely say that there are only 255x255x255 combinations, at least for a computer screen. That adds up to a total of 16,581,375 colors.
There are currently about 5,5 billion people on this planet. I think we can assume that most of those people have a preference of in ascending order, white, black, blue, pink & red. Some hippies are sure to be big fans of pine-green or hemp/emerald green too. And that's only a very simple example.
There are so many things we can have in common that there's no way in hell (not subject to cute and cuddly censoring, ccc) that anyone can possibly be so furnituresuchasacouch -ed up (ccc) that this rule wouldn't apply to them.
Monkey: Well, try to get to the point will you. Of course we have those insignificant things in common. We're human, we all have bones and 10 fingers, most of us anyway...
Tiger: Right, and you just went on and proved my point here. Since we all are made of the same stuff, have similar upbringings, do similar jobs, hear almost the same news and most of us have a mom and dad that try their best to love us and teach us the same stuff as other moms and dads, of course we're all more alike than we think.
I also think that we subconsciously attract other that think and act as we do.
Monkey: You sure make us sound like self-centered sheep, now don't you?
Tiger: Well, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I really think it's great to feel special, but I don't go around thinking I'm unique and stuff. Hell, I'm just like you, except for some minor timing issues.
I really believe this uniqueness can be a bit destructive at times since it also makes us feel inferior to others. It's just as if we're only as good as the stuff we've done. Nothing could be more wrong, we're as good as we CAN be, or WILL be. It seems the human species focus too much on the past and present to see how things really are. That's all I'm saying.
Monkey: I'm glad you finally got to the point, and what a point. You're my very very best friend in the world.
Tiger: And you're mine.
// Tiger & the Monkey

Waitresses, why so hot?

Tiger: I have come across this phenomena, the global kind, the best kind.
Basically it involves this sacred and holy strain of superwomen, bred for optimal cuteness who are completely untouchable (not like the movie where Sean Connery dies, crap scrip #€%!!).
They are employed by various shady or honest businesses just for the purpose of getting as deep into our tipping pockets as possible.
"-Oh no", you might say, "-they don't want my money, they just think I'm really cute and hot and all that".
That couldn't be further from the truth. In fact the truth is they don't give a furnituresuchasacouch (cute and cuddly censoring). They only want money.
Monkey: But hey, there are actually people who get a kick out of being kind and helpful, aren't you just bitter because none of them ever slipped you their number?
Tiger: If only it was that easy... No, they prey on you. How many times haven't you felt like you actually owe them to behave and tip and not chew with your mouth open? They make sure you don't get a chance to spill the smallest amount of liquid or meat or green stuff anywhere. They hit you when you're the most vulnerable, when you eat.
Monkey: I see your point, but I still believe they're nice people deep down.
Tiger: Ah, you've been seduced by the succubuses of service and winks. Can't you see?
Monkey: Well, I think you're just a bitter sundayonanotherbeach (cute and cuddly censoring). Their lives can't be that easy anyway, serving the same assholes that they rely on to get them some extra cash for whatever they need money for, girls stuff, you know, stuff. They can't have a bad day, if they do, bad days aren't just bad, they become worse because of it. The whole concept of turning a frown upside down, it's jinxed... Imagine having someone staring at your melons while trying to get some eye contact so you can do your wink and get that well deserved tip, now that's furnituresuchasacouch -ed up!
Tiger: Good man, you've just nailed it. I'm not saying all waitresses are like this, only the hot ones. But you've touched my heart, I really really regret saying all that bad stuff about stuff.
Whatever, let's hug and have beer and go get a bite to gobble down the old food-hole. What say you?
Monkey: Deal old pal!
// Tiger & the Monkey

We're all gathered!

Thanks to iSight (other camera still evil & mean..^%%!!!!) we finally get a first peek at our two very very best friends.
Don't let yourselves be tricked by their cuddly wuddly cuteness.
These two guys are as bad-ass as any other cute & cuddly wuddly in-animate (yeah right) wedon'twantnoeducation butgiveusbeer&women, bad ass people.
Yeah...that's right.
Ehm... yeah!

The Tiger is here, the Monkey too!

Alive! Dead... Alive again!
Once a long time ago the two very very best friends in the world set out on a quest to bring a bit of harmony, love, bliss and delight to the world.
Unfortunately they were lost somewhere on the way.
After being swung between heartache, happiness and all other emotions in their spiritual vocabulary, they finally emerge again.
They are now stronger, more lovable and somewhat fatter off the buffet of life they've been feasting on between then and now.
Due to technical difficulties with a not so power possessed camera, we ask you to have patience and check back soon for the first sights of these two lovable bundles of joy, fake fur & endless wisdom beyond the bottom of a golden glass of beer. <--analogy
Anyway, thank you for the benefit of the doubt. Good karma for you!
// Tiger and the Monkey